Every now and then, I always remind myself to be focus on what I really want in my life and stay on track to make sure my life is moving towards what I aim for. But, every now and then, too, I found myself drowning in uncertainties as if I am trapped in a darkness and my vision is blur..It makes me think that maybe I am too afraid of stepping out from my comfort zone because I don't want to take the risk and bare with the consequences I might face.
Yes. I am very very pessimist. And I have a very very low self-confidence. Peoples who knows me will say that I am very positive and enthusiastic in everything, from opinions, advises, to decisions. But, peoples who knows me well, will know that my biggest flaw is self-confidence. Sometimes,in certain situation I feel like I have NONE of it and I ended up bluffing this and that.
Random: If I happen to be in a job interview, I will not mention about having low self-esteem as my biggest weakness. Its like a taboo for me. Na-a.
I guess, having this problem is the main reason why I keep on putting my life on pause because I just cant believe in my ability. I know that I can go far by trusting my guts but something always holding me back from grabbing opportunities. My biggest concern is, my future, my career to be exact. As an eldest child, I carry a very big responsibility in my shoulder and my goal is to make life easier for me and my family. How the hell am I supposed to achieve that by having this so called 'denial' I bury inside me?
I don't have much time left you see, I only have one semester left and i'll be off for my practical and my practical determine what kind of 'supply' is going to feed me. Damn, I guess tonight is going to be another sleepless night for me.
Facts: When something is bothering me, I always think about how to change my life and how my life is going to change before I go to sleep.
By the way, Happy Fasting to all of you respectful Muslims.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Equilibrium and the state of mind.
As I started typing, I realized that I have reach to a certain point where I don't know what to do about my life. As pathetic as it sounds, I really have to admit that I am currently jobless, money-less,loveless and I bet there's more to come. I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that I'm hitting the cougar list, PMS, or maybe its a test from God?
1. Jobless
Well apparently, I am not really jobless la its just that I am having a really2 long 4 months semester break and I am officially an unproductive youth who spends most of her time at home, being an internet-freak, worrying about weight issue, wondering if she can make a dollar via internet marketing and hell to the yeah..the list goes on. Being at home is totally not what makes a person to have a care-free and worry-less life..Ironically, you have more time to think about the future and when you realized that you have no freakin idea about how your future going to be,that's when the worry kicks in..and when you worry, you try to calm yourself by acting like you don't give a damn and pretending that it didn't effect you at all..BUT IT ACTUALLY BOTHERS EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF YOUR LIFE..Sorry to say but you're screwed..big time.
You must be thinking to yourself, If i'm Jobless,why not considering a part time job,right?Well the answer may lead you to..
2. Broke.
Yes, I am totally Broke. Usually in times like these I prefer to just calm myself by saying things like 'money comes and go', things gonna be okay and stuff but i'll be lying if I said dat it didint paranoid me..I feel useless at certain time because I cant even pay for a bus ride to go look for a job..each time I go out from my house is an expenses. And due to this problems, I seldom top-up my phone,go out even just for roti kosong at mamak's like I always did, and many more. Yea,life sucks at the moment for me.
3.LDR
For those of you who dont have a clue about what LDR means, Its actually a shortform for Long Distance Relationship and yeap, I am one of those who involved with this kind of relationship now. To tell you truth, I never believe in LDR, because I dont think couples could get a very good communication without being able to see each other face to face. And my relationship is pretty much sucks right now. I dont like the way things go I might as well have a change of heart.Lets just see how long I can stay. Karma is a bitch.
4.Family problem
Me and my mom..*sigh*
I am just so freakin tired of caring too much on everything but nobody cares about me. I am not emo mind you, Im just lack of motivation. Fuck this, Fuck that, Fuck everything.
Dear Heart, Please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood, that's it.
1. Jobless
Well apparently, I am not really jobless la its just that I am having a really2 long 4 months semester break and I am officially an unproductive youth who spends most of her time at home, being an internet-freak, worrying about weight issue, wondering if she can make a dollar via internet marketing and hell to the yeah..the list goes on. Being at home is totally not what makes a person to have a care-free and worry-less life..Ironically, you have more time to think about the future and when you realized that you have no freakin idea about how your future going to be,that's when the worry kicks in..and when you worry, you try to calm yourself by acting like you don't give a damn and pretending that it didn't effect you at all..BUT IT ACTUALLY BOTHERS EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF YOUR LIFE..Sorry to say but you're screwed..big time.
You must be thinking to yourself, If i'm Jobless,why not considering a part time job,right?Well the answer may lead you to..
2. Broke.
Yes, I am totally Broke. Usually in times like these I prefer to just calm myself by saying things like 'money comes and go', things gonna be okay and stuff but i'll be lying if I said dat it didint paranoid me..I feel useless at certain time because I cant even pay for a bus ride to go look for a job..each time I go out from my house is an expenses. And due to this problems, I seldom top-up my phone,go out even just for roti kosong at mamak's like I always did, and many more. Yea,life sucks at the moment for me.
3.LDR
For those of you who dont have a clue about what LDR means, Its actually a shortform for Long Distance Relationship and yeap, I am one of those who involved with this kind of relationship now. To tell you truth, I never believe in LDR, because I dont think couples could get a very good communication without being able to see each other face to face. And my relationship is pretty much sucks right now. I dont like the way things go I might as well have a change of heart.Lets just see how long I can stay. Karma is a bitch.
4.Family problem
Me and my mom..*sigh*
I am just so freakin tired of caring too much on everything but nobody cares about me. I am not emo mind you, Im just lack of motivation. Fuck this, Fuck that, Fuck everything.
Dear Heart, Please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood, that's it.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Ba Ba Black Sheep
I can't believe my last post was on February 8..Looks like I've been abandoning my blog for like almost two months and a half..no?HECK, its a no surprise coz i've been procastinating in this blogging thingy just to give ways on my busy student life..just some random info..im listening to Azlan and the Typewriter- Jeritan Batinku while typing this..such a strong cover of P. Ramlee's masterpiece..ahhhh..i always wish that I can involved with such kind of projects (covering song with bands)..But i guess im just too talented-less to experienced one..hoho..:-/
So, im having my study week right now but as usual..I prefer to just take fully rest before I start struggling with books, notes, pastyears, Nescafe 3 in 1, sleepless nights and the list goes on..I dont know why but all I can say is this semester is the most tiring and challenging sem for me..I've been busy since January and only up till last week, I was able to get enough sleep..hell to the yeah..I sleep like a baby..So to wrap things up..here is my "what's happening?"
January:
- All of my classes starts at 8am, Monday - Friday..Bad Start!
- Usual stuffs, meetings for Environment and Issue
- Busy shopping..duh~ its ptptn season.
- starts collecting ideas as well as ideas to generate funds for our projects.
- We get tired on deciding places to eat.
Basically its just the these basic things which happened on January.
February:
- This is the busiest month.
- We had our sales activity for Valentine * I was badly sick, and I lost my voice during this time*
- We conduct tree planting activity *massive tired*
- We conduct rugby tournament two days in a row * we are the Sales AJK, we cooked, we stayed up till dawn, we sell, we picking up rubbish, we get under the sun, we climbing up and down stairs, we rock! and tired, and broke*
- We had our 1 tests and quizzes
- We get tired on deciding places to eat.
March:
-Its the make it happen month.
- We had our Issue Seminar in Courtyard.
- I was the emcee of the day, me and my partner tired of getting everythings in hand. We fight with pur junior. My partner falls asleep during the last talk was held. My feets are killing me. I got not money to pay for parking fee. I am a zombie.
- We went to BBA Part 3 seminar - We got bitched by bitches.
- My partner and I go from uitm-menggatal-luyang-next to luyang-luyang again because of stupid miscomminucation. Peoples are just stupid sumtimes, there are no explanation for that, they're just stupid.
- Went to Klinik Kesihatan Luyang for Malaria propholysis meds.
- Went to Unit Kesihatan uitm to borrow first aid kit.
- Went shoppin for Mulu things.
- Packing for Mulu. Its tiring.
- We went to MULU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i will post specifically on this trip later..later la)
- We missed MULU
-TEST,PRESENTATION,ASSIGNMENT
- We get tired of deciding on places to eat.
APRIL:
- The post-mortem month
- We welcomed Kelantan
- We bbq-ed with Kelantan
- We bowled with Kelantan
- We had dinner with Kelantan
- We dance and sing with Kelantan
- We say bye2 to Kelantan
- We fight in class during post-mortem
- We stay in Library from 8.30am-8.30pm
- We stay up late to finished our report in 1 day time.
- We went crazy for awhile.
- We still get tired of deciding on places to eat.
Pretty Hectic huh? This is just a sum-up..I haven't add on other events such as, our sudden trip to Labuan, Our trip to the LandFills, Our whole activity in Mulu, Our....*yawn*..I have too much to tell actually..But my eyes keep shutting down forcing me to sleep. I can't help it..omaigot...
Ba, x buli lama2 ne..karang telimpas tu ngantuk..imma go to bed now..i hope i'll be writing again another time..
So, im having my study week right now but as usual..I prefer to just take fully rest before I start struggling with books, notes, pastyears, Nescafe 3 in 1, sleepless nights and the list goes on..I dont know why but all I can say is this semester is the most tiring and challenging sem for me..I've been busy since January and only up till last week, I was able to get enough sleep..hell to the yeah..I sleep like a baby..So to wrap things up..here is my "what's happening?"
January:
- All of my classes starts at 8am, Monday - Friday..Bad Start!
- Usual stuffs, meetings for Environment and Issue
- Busy shopping..duh~ its ptptn season.
- starts collecting ideas as well as ideas to generate funds for our projects.
- We get tired on deciding places to eat.
Basically its just the these basic things which happened on January.
February:
- This is the busiest month.
- We had our sales activity for Valentine * I was badly sick, and I lost my voice during this time*
- We conduct tree planting activity *massive tired*
- We conduct rugby tournament two days in a row * we are the Sales AJK, we cooked, we stayed up till dawn, we sell, we picking up rubbish, we get under the sun, we climbing up and down stairs, we rock! and tired, and broke*
- We had our 1 tests and quizzes
- We get tired on deciding places to eat.
March:
-Its the make it happen month.
- We had our Issue Seminar in Courtyard.
- I was the emcee of the day, me and my partner tired of getting everythings in hand. We fight with pur junior. My partner falls asleep during the last talk was held. My feets are killing me. I got not money to pay for parking fee. I am a zombie.
- We went to BBA Part 3 seminar - We got bitched by bitches.
- My partner and I go from uitm-menggatal-luyang-next to luyang-luyang again because of stupid miscomminucation. Peoples are just stupid sumtimes, there are no explanation for that, they're just stupid.
- Went to Klinik Kesihatan Luyang for Malaria propholysis meds.
- Went to Unit Kesihatan uitm to borrow first aid kit.
- Went shoppin for Mulu things.
- Packing for Mulu. Its tiring.
- We went to MULU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i will post specifically on this trip later..later la)
- We missed MULU
-TEST,PRESENTATION,ASSIGNMENT
- We get tired of deciding on places to eat.
APRIL:
- The post-mortem month
- We welcomed Kelantan
- We bbq-ed with Kelantan
- We bowled with Kelantan
- We had dinner with Kelantan
- We dance and sing with Kelantan
- We say bye2 to Kelantan
- We fight in class during post-mortem
- We stay in Library from 8.30am-8.30pm
- We stay up late to finished our report in 1 day time.
- We went crazy for awhile.
- We still get tired of deciding on places to eat.
Pretty Hectic huh? This is just a sum-up..I haven't add on other events such as, our sudden trip to Labuan, Our trip to the LandFills, Our whole activity in Mulu, Our....*yawn*..I have too much to tell actually..But my eyes keep shutting down forcing me to sleep. I can't help it..omaigot...
Ba, x buli lama2 ne..karang telimpas tu ngantuk..imma go to bed now..i hope i'll be writing again another time..
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Sometimes..behind every bitch, there is a man that made her that way.
I'm up and supposedly, content. I mean, every thing's going steady. I'm trying to focus on school, work, and my family situation is ok... not necessarily the best but things are working out ok. I decided to end my previous relationship yang duuuuulu duuuuuuuluuuuu punya and move on with someone who seems to care for me more than the latter ever did.... Relationship. I guess that's what confuses me to some extent.
Of course, after experience we begin to realize that it isn't at all glamorous as the television screen hypes it up to be. Sparks fly in the beginning, rapid conversation is exchanged, steady streams of expressed compassion... then begins to fade and the true test takes places. The process of maintaining one. Sure, you can accept an "imperfect person perfectly." But how do you construe the difference in constantly giving someone chances who's resistant to change AND perhaps seeking someone who's willing to come so much more closer to what you truly desire?
Omg..what is up with me. This could be a serious post traumatic syndrome causes by a massive painful disaster shit sore throat and other related sickness. I am sprung! And am I being hyper-sensitive number one advocate for feminism? Not necessarily. I don't value the idea of gender equality being on an unbalanced see-saw no matter what gender it is. There are unequal mandates, laws, hell even preconceived notions about each gender that still needs work but no, I'm not going to picket around and bash every male in sight. I'm sure there does exist that man who sees the same route as I do.
Well I know its not my bday yet but i have only one wish...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,PLEASE CURE MY SORE THROAT, I CAN'T BARELY EAT, DRINK, SLEEP, AND LAUGH. Life is too beautiful for me to go thru every single day with bitter meds and swearings..yada yada yada..sakelake baby!
owhh..and yeah..Please please please post this person via Pos Laju..He is insensitive and can be a pain in the ass sometime..but i'm sure he'll come in a cute package because there's nothing more that I needed now rather than his love..love..love..love..(Jason Mraz-I'm Yours).
Of course, after experience we begin to realize that it isn't at all glamorous as the television screen hypes it up to be. Sparks fly in the beginning, rapid conversation is exchanged, steady streams of expressed compassion... then begins to fade and the true test takes places. The process of maintaining one. Sure, you can accept an "imperfect person perfectly." But how do you construe the difference in constantly giving someone chances who's resistant to change AND perhaps seeking someone who's willing to come so much more closer to what you truly desire?
Omg..what is up with me. This could be a serious post traumatic syndrome causes by a massive painful disaster shit sore throat and other related sickness. I am sprung! And am I being hyper-sensitive number one advocate for feminism? Not necessarily. I don't value the idea of gender equality being on an unbalanced see-saw no matter what gender it is. There are unequal mandates, laws, hell even preconceived notions about each gender that still needs work but no, I'm not going to picket around and bash every male in sight. I'm sure there does exist that man who sees the same route as I do.
Well I know its not my bday yet but i have only one wish...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,PLEASE CURE MY SORE THROAT, I CAN'T BARELY EAT, DRINK, SLEEP, AND LAUGH. Life is too beautiful for me to go thru every single day with bitter meds and swearings..yada yada yada..sakelake baby!
owhh..and yeah..Please please please post this person via Pos Laju..He is insensitive and can be a pain in the ass sometime..but i'm sure he'll come in a cute package because there's nothing more that I needed now rather than his love..love..love..love..(Jason Mraz-I'm Yours).
My Teenage Dream
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