h.a.p.p.y.?

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose, you can't have anything..
Don't you take chances, you might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain, coz love won't set you free..

I could stand by the side and watch this life pass me by
So unhappy, but safe as could be..

So what if it hurts me?
So what if i break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground?

I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Coz i'm just trying to be..Happy...
Just trying to be..happy...

Holding on tightly, just don't let it go
Just trying to play my role, Slowly disappear..
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names, get me out of here..
But I can't stand by your side
and watch my life pass me by..

So any turns that i can't see
Like i'm a stranger on this road
But don't day victim, don't day anything..

p/s: i L.O.V.E this song by Leona Lewis-Happy.

Xmas ur head la..

This is boring. thats all im saying. Its nice actually, its just lack of some excitement. Plain and boring.

I kid you not

So..ive been staying indoors for a while because of my several sickness..let me see: sinus?[checked], allergy?[cheked], fever?[checked], mental condition?[superbly checked], emotion sickness?[silverchair's checked]..btw, i still have no idea am allergic to what..i've been scratching here and there yet don't even know the reason for all the red dots.. so mafan..

Anyhooo...

Life's gonna change from now on.. I've decided a few things. This time around, i should think more for myself because dats what people had been doing to survive in this world. I've learnt that if you do not make a stand for yourself and you let people step all over you and manipulate you just because of the fact that ur nice or at least trying to be one and for whatsoever reasons..it will get you no where and in the end you are to blamed. Why? Because people can just easily say dat they didn't force you at the 1st place.

*[I KID YOU NOT]

So, lesson learnt.. be careful of selfish and manipulative people.

In the end, no one will save ur ass except for yourself..

Thanks for everything.. this is an eye opener for me. Now i can see the true color of things around me. Trust no one but your own instincts..I knew it was coming but who knew that in the end, kena kasi biar seja with whatever dats left la..

And this is one of the reasons juga why i let go of some things that mattered to me just so others will live a happy life and not be bothered for their own conveniences.

Enough with that la..lets talk about Xmas..

Oh well, i dont feel like xmas-ing..Everybody seems to start counting their own countdown..it stressing me out..i wan to feel excited also baaa...i force myself to go for gift hunting for everybody pun i still not in the mood for Xmas..perrrfttt...Gontua sda ba kan..*sigh*

bt the way, i need something fresh..i need a fresh start..new challenges, new environment, new crowd, new circle of friends..erm..nope..just stick with my old circle of friends, new hobby, new interest, new lifestyle..erm..nope oso..i'll stick with my old life...*refer previous previous post, one of my resolution for 2010 is to get the 60% of the old me back*

funny..im not excited with Xmas but im excited for New Year...??erm...fresh start Vale, fresh start.

The life survival tips part 1.

I went to my high school's reunion last night. It was fun, cool, great, warm n wicked *according to me* time we had. Feels great n bliss to see those *geng karas* faces again especially the boys whom i used to hang with..fablin, ah ping, luncai, bryner,osamu..etc. Kinda sad because Nurul was not there..but for sure there will be reunion part 2..I promised..:)

I had a very good conversation with Fablin..I cant believe the Fablin i used to play jokes with is now a very mature and responsible guy. Im talking about his sacrifices to support n take care of his younger siblings..since both of his parents pass away since i change school to Teknik. I feel really bad for not knowing about what has happened to him for the past 5 years. *sigh*

All the conversation we had, it got me thinking that no matter how life been so unfair or treating us like shit, bare in mind that others may faces a more difficult situation than us. People like me, who still have parents to depend on should really download this to our mind. Be grateful for everything that we have right now, embrace and appreciate things, peoples, memories, because we never know..never will know whats going to happen in the future..the future is super unpredictable. Life is like the theory of Yin and Yang, we cant always rely on the chi all the time, we cant expect our life to be so wonderful. Yes. There are no such thing as a fair world. Life is unfair. Nothing is fair. Sooner or later, we will eventually experience ups and downs in our life, and that time, we dont have a clue, whose gonna be the survivor, and whose in it just to lose it.

I wasted so many times in my life. I feel guilty for all the complaining i pour out. Looking back, i still got everything in my life. Yes life did hurts me in so many ways but i got to say that all of this has made me to be a stronger person. I realized that, there is no point of hating, feeling unsatisfied, whining n comparing other's life with ours. Someday, each one of us will have our moments too. We just got to have a good n flexible self-realization. Always always appreciate what we had.

Well, now i just want to say......I love my life and the idea of being Human with all that emotional bullshit that we are cursed with. I love all the friends that i ever had the pleasure to meet. I love my big guy, I love all my hate-fans.. I love my family. I love GOD.........turning a new page and starting another chapter of my life. Waking up and knowing that life is what you make it of......Peace All~!!

Hands Up.

I just broke someone's heart last night.

AND

Its way more harder than i thought.


Pheeewww~

Good morning.

Good morning world wide web..slept around 6am just now and i wake up at 9.50am..cant get back to my sleep ever since. Such a long boring holiday so i guess im givin a lil bit updates..

- waiting for my degree result..it shud be available by now but i still cant access..i think it has something to do with the webmaster..i dont know..

- I cant wait for reunion tomorrow..get a little bit excited to catch up with old friends..

- *i hope they didnt comment on my weight gains..*

- I bought a new sandal..and fall in love to it ever since..pictures up soon..

- Dat working thingy..it stressing me out..

- I still cant believe she do it..well..its hard to say because i dont even know what shes dealing with right now..

- Cant wait to shopp for xmas..i got few things in my list already..so much for a therapy huh?

- Im thinking of doin an open-house for my frens..

- but what dish should i prepare??????

- One of my resolution for new year..getting 60% of the old me back..

- I give a pause to my love life..

- Adeq seems to be disappear..She dont even return my calls and msgs..i wonder why?

-Mum has going over broad with the word 'obsolete'..dad too..

- Shud i go for working?or study?

- Me and Mr Sweet Talker?i think he had enough already..So..im done with him.

- I heard a rare song called Temporary Insanity..Love the melody, but the lyrics sounds a bit too much emotic and depressing to me..

- I miss you so much today.

So, this was it at the moment. Till next time..~

Never Gonna Happen.

I don't wanna hurt you cause I don't think it's a virtue
But you and I have come to our end
Believe me when I tell you that I never wanna see you again
And please can you stop calling cause it's getting really boring
And I've told you I don't want to be friends
Believe me when I tell you that I never wanna see you again

How on earth could I be any more obvious?
It never really did and now it's never gonna happen
with the two of us
I don't understand what it is that you're chasing after
But it makes me really sad to hear you sound so desperate
It just makes it harder

I can see how it's confusing -- it could be considered using
When I call you up straight out of the blue
But I don't understand what else a girl in my position's to do
Now I know you feel betrayed but it's been weeks since I got laid
This doesn't mean that I don't think you're a fool
But I don't understand what else a girl in my position's to do

I know it's rather ugly
cause I know that you still love me
And this isn't any kind of excuse
I don't love you, I don't love you...

Lyrics by: Lily Allen.

p/s: i love the lyrics. So general yet specific to me in a way.

For what it takes to have a little bit of gestures

Ok i guess i should be posting something to do about what 2009 has been for me. Frankly speaking, i am sick and tired of people saying that its been all right, things been shitty or everything been so gloomy and yada yada yada~..........that 2009 been up and down but everything is all right. What a load of BULLSHIT. Hey~ life can only be a shitty or colorful how you want it to be.....if you've dug your own grave, you have to lie on it. Enough said ok.

I think my PMS coming soon again..i see all little zips on my face, my appetite is as equivalent as an elephant's daily meal, and i get even hornier when M.Shadow screams..which lead me to a massive ear-gasm...if u know what i mean..and of course..mood swings and all other emotional rollercoaster what so fuck u wanna call it..yes..cursing too..bad mouth!bad mouth!

*Deep sigh*

.....

....
*Long Pause*

....

....

And now i suddenly feel sad when i look around my room and stares at my phone..Loneliness strikes..i never want this..but hell with it..Nobody cares at all..Each one of u seems to distance from me like im a living parasite..no..dont think im happy when i laugh..dont think im okay when i type lots of HAHAHA..I guess i always been like that..to hide pains so that i can get away with it which i know it will not so its back to square one..

crap!

screw me. I dont wanna be in this place..i dont wanna be here..it reminds me of u and her home-coming..

P/s:merry xmas..i hope u have a great time with her, like u always did. Since u not returning any of my calls and msgs..i guess i means nothing anymore..dats fine, because..because thats wat it supposed to be rite?so..ya...all the best.

Dgr lagu Mariah Carey.

im sorry i havent been able to write something meaningful these days..im having a phenomenal syndrome called brain freeze...i cant think properly. Sorry for all the inconvenience. i'll be back soon, i promise.

called it PMS or mood swings..i still hate being lonely.

All my life, i never felt as lonely as i feel rite now..this feeling is just so painful especially when i started looking back..i always be there for those people i wish could do the same for me too..unfortunately when it is my time to reach them, they often put someone else above me as their priority..

I understand the fact that they have their own life but that surely don't explain why i can be there for them whenever and wherever they need me to be..but they cant be there for me..yes..even when i was the one who makes arrangement to see them first..they end up putting me way far behind their list..

Maybe im on my PMS or whatsoever..im just..ok..whatever la.

I think everybody will be more happy without me.

wits end.

Just when i thought i never felt those hurts again..i was damn wrong. At times i feels so empty..its like i need to cut myself to feel things..ironically, when i think i am ready enough to let everything go and make a fresh start..those hurts came just at the wrong time..and it really struck me straight to the heart.

I may not be the best girlfriend to you as i made so mistakes in the past. But i thought u know me so well that despite all the mistakes i done, u surely know that whatever it is, i still loves u stronger than before. Maybe i deserve this, maybe i don't..but one thing i surely know, nobody can love u as much as i did. You wont see it through things that i cant even afford to give you, through proudness and perfection, through beauty and charm..what i can offer you is just me but I guess i am not good enough.

Once again, i made a mistake that i know i will soon regret. Its like Deja Vu, I knew it will happen, i even saw it happen in the images of my mind, but i guess i wast sure about wat am i thinking when i ask for it..the closure. I shouldnt have ask u for the closure because it actually hurts even more. I should've just be gone without any words and goodbyes because totally..im not very good at saying farewells..especially to you.

Im sorry for just walking and turning away just like that..Im sorry for breaking the code..Im sorry for the words, questions i put you through..i know im such a pain in the ass..i acted like a dumb blonde..im sorry that I annoys you..I guess im trying to provoke your anger because i dont wanna looked weak. Im sorry because i was stupid and i never been good to you..

*sigh*

And now...i feel so empty again..its like my life is meaningless..these breath i take is just a useless oxygen..i feel numb again..Lost i called it. If I could i wanna run away..even when everyone says running away wont solve anything..i still feels like running away because thats the only way I could feel..what it feels like to be disconnected in every ways...

I know i will not hear from you again..im not sure if u are going to read this but it wont matter too anyway..it still doesnt change the fact that im not good enough for you..Disappointed?I am.

trouble tidur.

One random fact : It was never easy for a lady to reject a guy. What, you think only girls wants their heart to be well taken care of? That's wrong. Guys hates rejection and hurts too. So, that is all i can say right now.

Well, that is not really the main point of my entry. Its just something that occurred in my current love life..correction..cant really say that its my love life because we are not attached in any ways..But for sure, i feels kinda bad because i keep on giving excuses..delaying..and so on. I just don't know how to say it straight. And if I could, I might as well say this..

" Look, the thing is I just don't love you. Not that I don't like you..Its just that I am really not ready to hit the dating scene. You're good, really good and i know that you will be a very good boyfriend-material Buuuutttttt...I just cant be that lady for you. Im just tired of starting over and im afraid that if I go for a YES with you, i cant really be the one who you thinks i am. You don't even know me, you don't even know my flaws and all..Plus, I don't think we're gonna work. So, just go live your life and keep on searching, i know u will find HER soon. May the best luck be with you, okei?"

well..if only i can say this straight to his face....*sigh*

By the way, what the hell happened to KK today??? I was out to town with Nana and the road is just so friggin jammed with in-compact cars. Starting from Karamunsing - Asia City - Centre Point. We spend 45 minutes from Asia City just to reach Cp's parking lots..WTFish? It was 3.30pm.

3.15pm(estimated only)
6.45pm(estimated only)
Tengahari until malam pun stil jammed..????

And owh..i just love this picture so very the mucho.