My Ugly Truth

               Every now and then, I always remind myself to be focus on what I really want in my life and stay on track to make sure my life is moving towards what I aim for. But, every now and then, too, I found myself drowning in uncertainties as if I am trapped in a darkness and my vision is blur..It makes me think that maybe I am too afraid of stepping out from my comfort zone because I don't want to take the risk and bare with the consequences I might face.

               Yes. I am very very pessimist. And I have a very very low self-confidence. Peoples who knows me will say that I am very positive and enthusiastic in everything, from opinions, advises, to decisions. But, peoples who knows me well, will know that my biggest flaw is self-confidence. Sometimes,in certain situation I feel like I have NONE of it and I ended up bluffing this and that.

Random: If I happen to be in a job interview, I will not mention about having low self-esteem as my biggest weakness. Its like a taboo for me. Na-a.


               I guess, having this problem is the main reason why I keep on putting my life on pause because I just cant believe in my ability. I know that I can go far by trusting my guts but something always holding me back from grabbing opportunities. My biggest concern is, my future, my career to be exact. As an eldest child, I carry a very big responsibility in my shoulder and my goal is to make life easier for me and my family. How the hell am I supposed to achieve that by having this so called 'denial' I bury inside me?

              I don't have much time left you see, I only have one semester left and i'll be off for my practical and my practical determine what kind of 'supply' is going to feed me. Damn, I guess tonight is going to be another sleepless night for me.

Facts: When something is bothering me, I always think about how to change my life and how my life is going to change before I go to sleep.

              By the way, Happy Fasting to all of you respectful Muslims.

Equilibrium and the state of mind.

As I started typing, I realized that I have reach to a certain point where I don't know what to do about my life. As pathetic as it sounds, I really have to admit that I am currently jobless, money-less,loveless and I bet there's more to come. I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that I'm hitting the cougar list, PMS, or maybe its a test from God?

1. Jobless
Well apparently, I am not really jobless la its just that I am having a really2 long 4 months semester break and I am officially an unproductive youth who spends most of her time at home, being an internet-freak, worrying about weight issue, wondering if she can make a dollar via internet marketing and hell to the yeah..the list goes on. Being at home is totally not what makes a person to have a care-free and worry-less life..Ironically, you have more time to think about the future and when you realized that you have no freakin idea about how your future going to be,that's when the worry kicks in..and when you worry, you try to calm yourself by acting like you don't give a damn and pretending that it didn't effect you at all..BUT IT ACTUALLY BOTHERS EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF YOUR LIFE..Sorry to say but you're screwed..big time.

You must be thinking to yourself, If i'm Jobless,why not considering a part time job,right?Well the answer may lead you to..

2. Broke.
Yes, I am totally Broke. Usually in times like these I prefer to just calm myself by saying things like 'money comes and go', things gonna be okay and stuff but i'll be lying if I said dat it didint paranoid me..I feel useless at certain time because I cant even pay for a bus ride to go look for a job..each time I go out from my house is an expenses. And due to this problems, I seldom top-up my phone,go out even just for roti kosong at mamak's like I always did, and many more. Yea,life sucks at the moment for me.

3.LDR
For those of you who dont have a clue about what LDR means, Its actually a shortform for Long Distance Relationship and yeap, I am one of those who involved with this kind of relationship now. To tell you truth, I never believe in LDR, because I dont think couples could get a very good communication without being able to see each other face to face. And my relationship is pretty much sucks right now. I dont like the way things go I might as well have a change of heart.Lets just see how long I can stay. Karma is a bitch.

4.Family problem
Me and my mom..*sigh*

I am just so freakin tired of caring too much on everything but nobody cares about me. I am not emo mind you, Im just lack of motivation. Fuck this, Fuck that, Fuck everything.


Dear Heart, Please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood, that's it.