Bored?YES.

*wrote sumthing ridiculous|*

*paused for while*

*reply some texts in my phone*

*idea went natagak*

*backspace everything*

-The End-

Dear Supervisor, Y u no come office all the time????

First of all, congratulations for all Liverpool, Arsenal and Manchester United fans for not having a Monday Blues today because why?They all won in last night's match..Liverpool won the Carling Cup agaisnt Cardiff City by penalty shoot out, 3-2, Arsenal had finally rising their spirit with a great win of 5-2 against Tottenham and Man Utd score 2-1 against Norwich..Personally, im feeling a liiiiiitle bit of dissapointed in Man Utd game last nite..reason being, their performance is somewhat "ok jer"..Overall, its a great win, but bad performance..And btw, scores were made by two ,an Utd legends, Paul Scholes and Ryan Giggs.

MMMkayy..enough with football thingy.

So, Im supposed to start under new department today but..seems like my Supervisor is nowhere to be found and yeap..I am left alone, with nothing to do in this..err..damn cold meeting room. You see, I rather be busy..and by saying busy..I mean super busy till I don't even have the time to check messages on my mobile..and that..I like that kind of busy..I don't like waking up early in the morning, avoid traffic jam and when u reach the office..you have absolutely nothing to do..screwed.

I just got my result last week and I'm not satisfied with it. But hell, looking back on just how much effort I put in my final exam..I think I deserve those marks..Its not the actual pointer that I care but mostly for my CGPA. I really hope this is the time when those ironic quotes that often posted or shared by peoples in Facebook will be useful for my self esteem at this very moment..all those "everything happens for a reason",'when one door closed, look for another door' and yada yada yada..My practical is the only chance I had left to boost my CGPA..I really really hope I can reach at least 3.00..But I think I better aim higher because u know what they say,aim higher and you can still gain a high..but if u aim lower,u'll gain way lower than u expect...

And yeah..

I'm running out of cash again. Owh Dear God.

oo tak mungkin?

ooya pada saat ini terasa seperti ingin memerah limau jauh ke dasar kerongkong sebab sore throat ini seolah-olah menguji kesabaran aku pula tau. Saitan!

So, its been awhile since my last post and I have lots of bulls to share. Im like..finally doing my practical now..where?in KKFM..the place where i wanna be..if u asked me why i dun have the answer..i guess its dat feeling u feel when u really love someone but u cant explain why and how u love them?ya..I guess so. 

Faye is getting married soon and I still can't believe it man..not that i dun think she dont deserve to get married but its about how fucking fast the time walked by and when u look around, everybody is getting married, planning for family and future together, and u dun even have a boyfriend.aww shucks.

Boyfriend?I have nothing to say.

I rather focus on my career..Im just so sick and tired of getting sick and tired with relationship. Its not dat im desperate..i just need a guy who have his balls to confront his friends when he found the right girl and not feel ashame to lower down his ego..hold ur hand when u guys walked, introduced u to his friends, call u baby, saying i love you when his friends keep teasing him at the back..I dun think this kind of guy exist anymore..if u do...i dare you to move bebeh!now..this sound real pathetic..whatever it is, i dun expect much in a guy..i dun really have a type,like..If i LIKE you, i like you.as simple as that..

And as the time goes by, i swear i can listen to my own tummy growling..owh man..this cannot be happening..

Bilang mau diet.

My Ugly Truth

               Every now and then, I always remind myself to be focus on what I really want in my life and stay on track to make sure my life is moving towards what I aim for. But, every now and then, too, I found myself drowning in uncertainties as if I am trapped in a darkness and my vision is blur..It makes me think that maybe I am too afraid of stepping out from my comfort zone because I don't want to take the risk and bare with the consequences I might face.

               Yes. I am very very pessimist. And I have a very very low self-confidence. Peoples who knows me will say that I am very positive and enthusiastic in everything, from opinions, advises, to decisions. But, peoples who knows me well, will know that my biggest flaw is self-confidence. Sometimes,in certain situation I feel like I have NONE of it and I ended up bluffing this and that.

Random: If I happen to be in a job interview, I will not mention about having low self-esteem as my biggest weakness. Its like a taboo for me. Na-a.


               I guess, having this problem is the main reason why I keep on putting my life on pause because I just cant believe in my ability. I know that I can go far by trusting my guts but something always holding me back from grabbing opportunities. My biggest concern is, my future, my career to be exact. As an eldest child, I carry a very big responsibility in my shoulder and my goal is to make life easier for me and my family. How the hell am I supposed to achieve that by having this so called 'denial' I bury inside me?

              I don't have much time left you see, I only have one semester left and i'll be off for my practical and my practical determine what kind of 'supply' is going to feed me. Damn, I guess tonight is going to be another sleepless night for me.

Facts: When something is bothering me, I always think about how to change my life and how my life is going to change before I go to sleep.

              By the way, Happy Fasting to all of you respectful Muslims.

Equilibrium and the state of mind.

As I started typing, I realized that I have reach to a certain point where I don't know what to do about my life. As pathetic as it sounds, I really have to admit that I am currently jobless, money-less,loveless and I bet there's more to come. I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that I'm hitting the cougar list, PMS, or maybe its a test from God?

1. Jobless
Well apparently, I am not really jobless la its just that I am having a really2 long 4 months semester break and I am officially an unproductive youth who spends most of her time at home, being an internet-freak, worrying about weight issue, wondering if she can make a dollar via internet marketing and hell to the yeah..the list goes on. Being at home is totally not what makes a person to have a care-free and worry-less life..Ironically, you have more time to think about the future and when you realized that you have no freakin idea about how your future going to be,that's when the worry kicks in..and when you worry, you try to calm yourself by acting like you don't give a damn and pretending that it didn't effect you at all..BUT IT ACTUALLY BOTHERS EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF YOUR LIFE..Sorry to say but you're screwed..big time.

You must be thinking to yourself, If i'm Jobless,why not considering a part time job,right?Well the answer may lead you to..

2. Broke.
Yes, I am totally Broke. Usually in times like these I prefer to just calm myself by saying things like 'money comes and go', things gonna be okay and stuff but i'll be lying if I said dat it didint paranoid me..I feel useless at certain time because I cant even pay for a bus ride to go look for a job..each time I go out from my house is an expenses. And due to this problems, I seldom top-up my phone,go out even just for roti kosong at mamak's like I always did, and many more. Yea,life sucks at the moment for me.

3.LDR
For those of you who dont have a clue about what LDR means, Its actually a shortform for Long Distance Relationship and yeap, I am one of those who involved with this kind of relationship now. To tell you truth, I never believe in LDR, because I dont think couples could get a very good communication without being able to see each other face to face. And my relationship is pretty much sucks right now. I dont like the way things go I might as well have a change of heart.Lets just see how long I can stay. Karma is a bitch.

4.Family problem
Me and my mom..*sigh*

I am just so freakin tired of caring too much on everything but nobody cares about me. I am not emo mind you, Im just lack of motivation. Fuck this, Fuck that, Fuck everything.


Dear Heart, Please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood, that's it.

Ba Ba Black Sheep

I can't believe my last post was on February 8..Looks like I've been abandoning my blog for like almost two months and a half..no?HECK, its a no surprise coz i've been procastinating in this blogging thingy just to give ways on my busy student life..just some random info..im listening to Azlan and the Typewriter- Jeritan Batinku while typing this..such a strong cover of P. Ramlee's masterpiece..ahhhh..i always wish that I can involved with such kind of projects (covering song with bands)..But i guess im just too talented-less to experienced one..hoho..:-/

So, im having my study week right now but as usual..I prefer to just take fully rest before I start struggling with books, notes, pastyears, Nescafe 3 in 1, sleepless nights and the list goes on..I dont know why but all I can say is this semester is the most tiring and challenging sem for me..I've been busy since January and only up till last week, I was able to get enough sleep..hell to the yeah..I sleep like a baby..So to wrap things up..here is my "what's happening?"

January:
- All of my classes starts at 8am, Monday - Friday..Bad Start!
- Usual stuffs, meetings for Environment and Issue
- Busy shopping..duh~ its ptptn season.
- starts collecting ideas as well as ideas to generate funds for our projects.
- We get tired on deciding places to eat.

 Basically its just the these basic things which happened on January.

February:
- This is the busiest month.
- We had our sales activity for Valentine * I was badly sick, and I lost my voice during this time*
- We conduct tree planting activity *massive tired*
- We conduct rugby tournament two days in a row * we are the Sales AJK, we cooked, we stayed up till dawn, we sell, we picking up rubbish, we get under the sun, we climbing up and down stairs, we rock! and tired, and broke*
- We had our 1 tests and quizzes
- We get tired on deciding places to eat.

March:
-Its the make it happen month.
- We had our Issue Seminar in Courtyard.
- I was the emcee of the day, me and my partner tired of getting everythings in hand. We fight with pur junior. My partner falls asleep during the last talk was held. My feets are killing me. I got not money to pay for parking fee. I am a zombie.
- We went to BBA Part 3 seminar - We got bitched by bitches.
- My partner and I go from uitm-menggatal-luyang-next to luyang-luyang again because of stupid miscomminucation. Peoples are just stupid sumtimes, there are no explanation for that, they're just stupid.
- Went to Klinik Kesihatan Luyang for Malaria propholysis meds.
- Went to Unit Kesihatan uitm to borrow first aid kit.
- Went shoppin for Mulu things.
- Packing for Mulu. Its tiring.
- We went to MULU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i will post specifically on this trip later..later la)
- We missed MULU
-TEST,PRESENTATION,ASSIGNMENT
- We get tired of deciding on places to eat.

APRIL:
- The post-mortem month
- We welcomed Kelantan
- We bbq-ed with Kelantan
- We bowled with Kelantan
- We had dinner with Kelantan
- We dance and sing with Kelantan
- We say bye2 to Kelantan
- We fight in class during post-mortem
- We stay in Library from 8.30am-8.30pm
- We stay up late to finished our report in 1 day time.
- We went crazy for awhile.
- We still get tired of deciding on places to eat.

Pretty Hectic huh? This is just a sum-up..I haven't add on other events such as, our sudden trip to Labuan, Our trip to the LandFills, Our whole activity in Mulu, Our....*yawn*..I have too much to tell actually..But my eyes keep shutting down forcing me to sleep. I can't help it..omaigot...

Ba, x buli lama2 ne..karang telimpas tu ngantuk..imma go to bed now..i hope i'll be writing again another time..

Sometimes..behind every bitch, there is a man that made her that way.

I'm up and supposedly, content. I mean, every thing's going steady. I'm trying to focus on school, work, and my family situation is ok... not necessarily the best but things are working out ok. I decided to end my previous relationship yang duuuuulu duuuuuuuluuuuu punya and move on with someone who seems to care for me more than the latter ever did.... Relationship. I guess that's what confuses me to some extent.

Of course, after experience we begin to realize that it isn't at all glamorous as the television screen hypes it up to be. Sparks fly in the beginning, rapid conversation is exchanged, steady streams of expressed compassion... then begins to fade and the true test takes places. The process of maintaining one. Sure, you can accept an "imperfect person perfectly." But how do you construe the difference in constantly giving someone chances who's resistant to change AND perhaps seeking someone who's willing to come so much more closer to what you truly desire?

Omg..what is up with me. This could be a serious post traumatic syndrome causes by a massive painful disaster shit sore throat and other related sickness. I am sprung! And am I being hyper-sensitive number one advocate for feminism? Not necessarily. I don't value the idea of gender equality being on an unbalanced see-saw no matter what gender it is. There are unequal mandates, laws, hell even preconceived notions about each gender that still needs work but no, I'm not going to picket around and bash every male in sight. I'm sure there does exist that man who sees the same route as I do.

Well I know its not my bday yet but i have only one wish...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,PLEASE CURE MY SORE THROAT, I CAN'T BARELY EAT, DRINK, SLEEP, AND LAUGH. Life is too beautiful for me to go thru every single day with bitter meds and swearings..yada yada yada..sakelake baby!

owhh..and yeah..Please please please post this person via Pos Laju..He is insensitive and can be a pain in the ass sometime..but i'm sure he'll come in a cute package because there's nothing more that I needed now rather than his love..love..love..love..(Jason Mraz-I'm Yours).

My Teenage Dream

*clap clap*

" dont care-->kata2 dr seorang yg gmuk+pengumpat tegar+suka sibuk hal org+hal org,dia lebih2..miahahaha...wei, mind ur own business la...aku kurus, ko gemuk..TRY u??euww...teda masa lyn pengumpat2 tegar ni..merbahaya..bkn lawa pun..khakkk, puii(ludah).....last ni aku post bnda psl pngumpat..boring..ignorant"

"vera, ko tau ka sepa yg ckp ni??kwn ko..v**e..gemuk, mcm babs, mulut pnuh taik..gemuk bau lemak, pmpuan isap rokok..ala, clasmte ko dlu 1time dip"

"apit, sepa lg...si v**e la..pakindat puny pmpuan..ko ambk la lemak dia...buat LAKSA PENANG pun bole..hahaha.."

p/s: These statements are made for me. Well said words from a fucker.

say what?

yea...i really miss my blog..but the thing is i have to put on some clothes to my naked body n rush to the church for confession like NOW!

so yea...see ya later folks.

Take a break..have a kit-kat!~

I was...supposed to..start..on my revision..

I had a good talk with Chester just now..nothing much and nothing specific..just recalling those 'been there, done that' moment..and just by talking about it..we both realize how much we've changed..to be better la..

Ever since I was a kid, I always been a very troublesome child. I never been the favorite niece among my aunts and uncles..and most definitely never the favorites of my grandparents..I always thinks that I am different from my cousins because i never get the same treatment as they get..Everything I did is wrong..Up to a point that I thought i was adopted because they were really well behaved..unlike my rebellious attitude..I always being compared to my other cousins because they never yelled at their mother..and I did.

As i grow up..I was exposed to so many negative surroundings..i grow up in a quarters where most of the youths involved with gangs, drugs, alcohols, sex and so on..My friends were usually much older than me..3-6 years older than me and thats the reason why that time..I am more matured compare to other kids my age..I remember I always being brought to a small abandoned house by my grown up friends and I just sat there, watching them do drugs, get high and get intimate with their partners..and they are the reason how i met my first boyfriend.

Well..I had my first crush when I was 10 but I had my real first boyfriend when I was 12. When I recalled back the reason for me and him being together, I felt so dumb I slapped myself hard...FYI: He is 5 years older than me and he's a Blackmetal..and surprised surprised..I had my first kiss with him. I know..wtf right?  Call me stupid, a bitch or whatsoever..that really happened. I was so crazy in love I spoiled my performance at school..Its obvious that he only in it for fun..helloooooo...what does a 17yr old guy sees in a 12yr old girl???????

I was lucky enough my parents know about this and they broke the relationship..what if my parents never knew about this and I lost my virginity and get pregnant???owh-my~ As soon as my parents knew about this, I was sent to my Aun't place so that we never get the chance to see each other. I remember being so angry with my mother for setting us apart..I live a miserable life because I was not used to live with other people even my relatives..I felt awkward by just sitting with them while having dinner. Ever since that, I never met him anymore and i became a loner and my relationship with my mother wrecked. Looking back I guess being a loner is the reason why I pass with flying colors in my UPSR.

But, the story above is just the starting point of my teenage life. When I entered high school, aahhhhhh...I get even worse. Let see...I started smoking, having rivals with bitches at school, fighting with boys, runaway from home..when I was 13. I had my first girl fights from other school when I was 14..(It was a police-case fyi), I skipped school, involved in underground scenes, and drank alcohol when I was 15. Yeap, I was very rebellious. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Only when I was 16 and moved to SM Teknik, my behavior getting better, my record getting better, my relationship with my parents getting better, my study getting better..all because I met my second boyfriend. Hmmmm...I consider him as my high school sweetheart..He is nice..he always brought me breakfast from home and sent it to my class in the morning..long story short, He was once, my soulmate.

Moving on..i get into university life. Who would have known right? Jajal2 pun buli msuk U...hahahaha. During my Diploma years..I never really had those damn troubles like my high school years..just some social activities like clubbing, late-night hangouts and love-drama..unhealthy relationships and yada yada yada..And my social life is the reason for my break-up with my second boyfriend..There goes our 4 years relationship, vanished. I think during these times I started to appreciate life more. Especially when I nearly lost my dad, my whole life turns up side down and I began to cherish every moment, good or bad..that happens in my life..until now, I realize that, I was once a troublesome and rebellious girl because nobody taught me about life. All the life-lessons i get is from the bad things that i done..not from anybody's advice, not from my parent's lecture..because obviously, i never listened to my parents at all(dulu).  All and all, I live, and I learnt. Truth to be told, Im glad that i get exposed to negativity at such a young age, because, by the time i grow up and girls my age started to involved in 'those', I am so over it already.

To be honest with all of you, I don't even know for what purpose this post serve for. I guess I'm just measuring the life-changing experience I had. Despite the dark past that I have, I am grateful because, I never get involved in drugs, I didn't lose my virginity and get pregnant by my 1st stupid ex-boyfriend and most importantly, I did not lose my dad.

Im 22 years old now and the things that happened in my life never failed to make me realize my standpoint. Its amazing to see that I learnt, what I never been taught.